Understanding the Cycle of Abuse and Why It's Hard to Leave

Abuse doesn’t start with violence—and leaving isn’t simple. Learn how the cycle of abuse works, why survivors stay, and what helps them break free.

• Tension-Building Phase

• Abuser grows irritable, critical, or moody
• Survivor feels anxious, tries to appease or avoid conflict
• Warning signs: insults, silent treatment, controlling behaviors
• Survivor may blame themselves or overcompensate

• Incident/Explosion Phase

• Abuse occurs (physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional)
• Survivor experiences shock, fear, humiliation, or harm
• Power and control tactics used (threats, coercion)

• Reconciliation/Honeymoon Phase

• Abuser apologizes, offers gifts, pledges change
• Expressions of love and regret create false hope
• Survivor feels conflicted: hopeful but wary
• This phase delays leaving and reinforces attachment

• Calm/Normal Phase

• Relationship seems stable or “normal” again
• Survivor may minimize past abuse or deny severity
• Routine comforts obscure warning signs
• Tension slowly rebuilds, restarting the cycle

• Why Leaving Is Hard

• Fear of escalated violence upon departure
• Emotional bonds, love, and hope for change
• Financial dependence or lack of resources
• Children, housing, or immigration concerns
• Guilt, shame, and self-blame

• Survivor Experiences

• “I missed the good times and held on to them.”
• “I was scared no one would believe me.”
• “He threatened self-harm if I left.”
• “I didn’t recognize the abuse until much later.”

• Breaking the Cycle

• Support over judgment: validate feelings
• Safety planning and professional advocacy
• Practical help: transportation, housing, finances
• Connect with specialized domestic violence services

• Where to Get Help (Ontario)

• Assaulted Women’s Helpline (24/7): 1-866-863-0511
• Luke’s Place: Family law support for survivors
• 211 Ontario: Local services and shelters
• Barbra Schlifer Clinic: Legal, counselling, safety planning
• Ontario Women’s Shelters: Confidential refuge and support