Most people associate grief with death. But survivors of domestic violence often grieve something different: the relationship they hoped for, the person they once trusted, or the life they imagined.

This grief is valid. It's a quiet heartbreak that deserves attention, not shame.

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• The dream of a loving relationship that never became reality

• Loss of self-esteem, safety, or freedom

• A home that no longer feels safe

• Time lost living in fear or isolation

• Changes in parenting roles or family dynamics

• The “good moments” with the abuser—yes, those count too

• Friendships or family connections strained by the abuse

• A version of yourself you feel disconnected from

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• You can feel sad about the relationship ending even if it was abusive

• You might feel confused, guilty, or ashamed for grieving—this is normal

• Grief doesn’t mean you wanted the abuse

• It means you are human, and capable of love, hope, and healing

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• Anger – at the abuser, at yourself, at systems that failed you

• Sadness – for the years or parts of you lost to abuse

• Fear – of the future, of being hurt again

• Relief – that it’s over, which can trigger guilt

• Loneliness – even in freedom, the quiet can hurt

• Numbness – shutting down to cope

There is no “right” way to grieve. Every survivor’s experience is valid.

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• Give yourself permission to mourn, cry, or feel nothing

• Journal your emotions—especially the conflicting ones

• Create rituals to say goodbye (letters, art, candles, affirmations)

• Talk to someone safe—a friend, therapist, or support group

• Practice grounding when overwhelmed (breathe, touch something textured, sip cold water)

• Accept that healing takes time and will come in waves

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• Trauma-informed therapists can help process loss and rebuild identity

• Peer support groups connect you with others who understand your grief

• Shelters and legal clinics often have counselling programs for survivors

• Grief counselling isn't just for death—it applies to relationship loss too

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• ✅ Grieving after abuse is normal and deeply human

• ✅ You may grieve lost time, safety, identity, or love

• ✅ Relief and grief can coexist

• ✅ Emotional support can make the process easier

• ✅ There is life—and joy—beyond this pain

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• Assaulted Women’s Helpline – 1-866-863-0511

• Barbra Schlifer Clinic – Trauma counselling and legal support

• 211 Ontario – Call 2-1-1 for grief and trauma resources

• YWCA & WomenatthecentrE – Support groups and healing workshops

• Hope for Wellness Helpline (Indigenous survivors) – 1-855-242-3310

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It is completely normal to miss your ex. You are likely not missing the abuse, but rather the good times, the person you first fell in love with, and the future you planned together. This is a common and valid part of the grieving process for survivors.

Ambiguous loss is a term for a loss that has no closure. In domestic violence, this happens when you leave your abuser. They are physically gone from your daily life, but they are still psychologically present—they are still out in the world, and you may still have to interact with them because of children. This lack of finality makes the grief particularly stressful and difficult to resolve.

The grief of leaving an abusive relationship is often misunderstood by those who haven't experienced it. It is important to find support from people who do understand. This is why connecting with a counsellor who specializes in domestic violence or joining a peer support group for survivors is so critical for healing.

Yes, this is a core part of the complex grief that survivors experience. You can feel immense relief to be free from the fear and control, while also feeling devastated about the loss of your relationship, home, and the future you envisioned. Holding these two conflicting feelings at once is a normal part of the process.

There is no timeline for grief. Healing is not a linear process; there will be good days and bad days. The most important thing is to be patient with yourself and to access support systems that can help you navigate the journey.

Your local women's shelter is the best place to start. They almost always run free, confidential support groups for women who have left abusive relationships. You can also call the Assaulted Women's Helpline at 1-866-863-0511, and they can refer you to counselling and support groups in your specific community.