Understanding Grief and Loss in the Context of Domestic Violence
Leaving an abusive relationship can bring relief—but also deep feelings of grief and loss. This guide helps survivors in Ontario understand the complex emotions that come with surviving domestic violence.
Most people associate grief with death. But survivors of domestic violence often grieve something different: the relationship they hoped for, the person they once trusted, or the life they imagined.
This grief is valid. It's a quiet heartbreak that deserves attention, not shame.
🧠 What Survivors Grieve After Abuse
The dream of a loving relationship that never became reality
Loss of self-esteem, safety, or freedom
A home that no longer feels safe
Time lost living in fear or isolation
Changes in parenting roles or family dynamics
The “good moments” with the abuser—yes, those count too
Friendships or family connections strained by the abuse
A version of yourself you feel disconnected from
💬 Grief Is Not a Sign of Weakness
You can feel sad about the relationship ending even if it was abusive
You might feel confused, guilty, or ashamed for grieving—this is normal
Grief doesn’t mean you wanted the abuse
It means you are human, and capable of love, hope, and healing
📉 Common Emotions Tied to Abuse-Related Grief
Anger – at the abuser, at yourself, at systems that failed you
Sadness – for the years or parts of you lost to abuse
Fear – of the future, of being hurt again
Relief – that it’s over, which can trigger guilt
Loneliness – even in freedom, the quiet can hurt
Numbness – shutting down to cope
There is no “right” way to grieve. Every survivor’s experience is valid.
🧘♀️ How to Cope With Grief After Abuse
Give yourself permission to mourn, cry, or feel nothing
Journal your emotions—especially the conflicting ones
Create rituals to say goodbye (letters, art, candles, affirmations)
Talk to someone safe—a friend, therapist, or support group
Practice grounding when overwhelmed (breathe, touch something textured, sip cold water)
Accept that healing takes time and will come in waves
🤝 Getting Help in Ontario
Trauma-informed therapists can help process loss and rebuild identity
Peer support groups connect you with others who understand your grief
Shelters and legal clinics often have counselling programs for survivors
Grief counselling isn't just for death—it applies to relationship loss too
📌 Summary: Grief in the Wake of Abuse
✅ Grieving after abuse is normal and deeply human
✅ You may grieve lost time, safety, identity, or love
✅ Relief and grief can coexist
✅ Emotional support can make the process easier
✅ There is life—and joy—beyond this pain
📍 Ontario Services That Can Help
Assaulted Women’s Helpline – 1-866-863-0511
Barbra Schlifer Clinic – Trauma counselling and legal support
211 Ontario – Call 2-1-1 for grief and trauma resources
YWCA & WomenatthecentrE – Support groups and healing workshops
Hope for Wellness Helpline (Indigenous survivors) – 1-855-242-3310
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
1. Why do I miss my ex, even though they were abusive?
It is completely normal to miss your ex. You are likely not missing the abuse, but rather the good times, the person you first fell in love with, and the future you planned together. This is a common and valid part of the grieving process for survivors.
2. What is "ambiguous loss" and how does it relate to domestic violence?
Ambiguous loss is a term for a loss that has no closure. In domestic violence, this happens when you leave your abuser. They are physically gone from your daily life, but they are still psychologically present—they are still out in the world, and you may still have to interact with them because of children. This lack of finality makes the grief particularly stressful and difficult to resolve.
3. My friends don't understand why I'm sad. What can I do?
The grief of leaving an abusive relationship is often misunderstood by those who haven't experienced it. It is important to find support from people who do understand. This is why connecting with a counsellor who specializes in domestic violence or joining a peer support group for survivors is so critical for healing.
4. Is it normal to feel both relieved and devastated at the same time?
Yes, this is a core part of the complex grief that survivors experience. You can feel immense relief to be free from the fear and control, while also feeling devastated about the loss of your relationship, home, and the future you envisioned. Holding these two conflicting feelings at once is a normal part of the process.
5. How long will this feeling of grief last?
There is no timeline for grief. Healing is not a linear process; there will be good days and bad days. The most important thing is to be patient with yourself and to access support systems that can help you navigate the journey.
6. Where can I find a support group for survivors in Ontario?
Your local women's shelter is the best place to start. They almost always run free, confidential support groups for women who have left abusive relationships. You can also call the Assaulted Women's Helpline at 1-866-863-0511, and they can refer you to counselling and support groups in your specific community.