Leaving abuse doesn’t make guilt or shame disappear. In fact, many survivors feel these emotions even more after they’ve escaped. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why didn’t I leave sooner?” or “Was it partly my fault?”—you are not alone.

This post is for every survivor carrying the invisible weight of emotional self-blame.

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• Abusers condition you to believe the abuse is your fault

• Society reinforces myths: “Why did she stay?” or “What did they do to provoke it?”

• You may feel guilty for:

  • Not leaving earlier

  • Returning after leaving

  • Staying because of kids, money, or fear

  • Loving someone who hurt you

• Shame can arise from:

  • Feeling “weak” for being in the relationship

  • Believing the abuse defines your worth

  • Feeling judged by family or community

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• Guilt = “I did something wrong” (even if you didn’t)

• Shame = “There’s something wrong with me”

• Both can make healing harder—but both can be unlearned

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• Remind yourself: Abuse is a choice made by the abuser—not your fault

• Say affirmations aloud or write them down:

  • “I did what I needed to survive.”

  • “My past does not define my worth.”

  • “It was not my fault.”

• Talk to a therapist or peer support worker who believes you

• Journal moments when you showed strength—even if it didn’t feel like it

• Recognize what kept you in the relationship was often survival, not weakness

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• “Why didn’t I fight back?” → Because you were scared. That’s normal.

• “Maybe I overreacted?” → If it made you feel unsafe, it was real.

• “I stayed for the kids—was that wrong?” → You made the best decision you could with what you knew.

• “People have it worse than me.” → Pain is not a competition. Your story matters.

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• Counselling—especially trauma-informed therapy

• Survivor groups—hearing “me too” can ease isolation

• Body-based healing (yoga, breathwork, somatic therapy) to release stored tension

• Art, writing, or music as safe emotional outlets

• Setting boundaries with people who try to minimize your story

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• ✅ Guilt and shame are common—but not permanent

• ✅ You are not responsible for the abuse you experienced

• ✅ Healing includes learning to forgive yourself for things that weren’t your fault

• ✅ Therapy and survivor communities can help shift your mindset

• ✅ You deserve peace, joy, and self-compassion—no matter what you’ve been through

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• Assaulted Women’s Helpline – 1-866-863-0511

• Barbra Schlifer Clinic – Trauma counselling and legal help

• Luke’s Place – Support for women navigating family law after abuse

• YWCA & 211 Ontario – Free counselling and peer groups

• Hope for Wellness Helpline (Indigenous survivors) – 1-855-242-3310

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It is very common to feel guilt. You may be grieving the loss of the "good times," worrying about the impact on your children, or feeling responsible for your partner's well-being. These feelings are a testament to your empathy, but they do not change the fact that leaving was the right decision for your safety.

Guilt is the feeling that you did something bad (e.g., "I feel guilty for not leaving sooner"). Shame is the feeling that you are something bad (e.g., "I feel ashamed that I let this happen to me"). Shame is often more toxic and is a direct result of the abuser's efforts to diminish your self-worth.

A powerful first step is to shift your language. Instead of asking, "Why did I stay?", ask, "What were the barriers that made it so difficult and dangerous for me to leave?". This reframes the situation to acknowledge the abuser's control and the valid reasons for your actions.

Shame thrives in secrecy and silence. The most effective way to overcome it is to share your story in a safe space. This could be with a therapist, a support group, or a trusted friend who you know will believe you and not judge you. Realizing you are not alone is incredibly healing.

Your local women's shelter is the best place to start, as they almost always offer free, confidential support groups for survivors. You can also call 211 Ontario or the Assaulted Women's Helpline to get a list of programs in your community.

Yes. Many organizations offer culturally specific counselling and support. For example, Indigenous survivors can contact the Hope for Wellness Helpline (1-855-242-3310). Other community health centres and agencies in Toronto offer services tailored to Black, newcomer, and 2SLGBTQ+ survivors.