Co-Parenting with an Abusive Ex-Partner: Strategies for Survivor Safety

When you share children with someone who abused you, separating doesn’t always mean the abuse ends. Co-parenting with an abusive ex can be used as a tool for continued control, intimidation, or manipulation. But you are not powerless.

In Ontario, there are legal tools and emotional strategies to help protect your safety and your child’s well-being.

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⚖️ Know Your Legal Rights

• You do not have to communicate directly with your ex if it puts you at risk

• Ontario family courts can order:

  • Parallel parenting (limited contact between parents)

  • Supervised exchanges or visits

  • Exclusive possession of the family home

  • Communication via a parenting app (e.g., OurFamilyWizard)

• You can request a restraining order or non-contact clause in parenting orders

• Always keep a written record of interactions

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🛑 Strategies to Minimize Contact

• Use written communication only (texts, emails, parenting apps)

• Keep messages short, factual, and about the child only

• Do not respond to insults, baiting, or manipulation—document instead

• Arrange child exchanges:

  • In public places

  • With a neutral third party

  • At police stations or schools (if court-approved)

• Avoid face-to-face meetings unless legally required—and bring support if needed

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🧠 Emotional Safety & Boundaries

• Understand post-separation abuse is real and common

• Limit sharing personal info (new address, work details, relationship updates)

• Set emotional boundaries:

  • “I will only discuss issues directly related to our child.”

  • “I do not need to respond right away.”

• Work with a therapist or support group to manage triggers and trauma

• Don’t feel guilty for protecting yourself—you’re protecting your child, too

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👶 Prioritize Your Child’s Well-Being

• Keep routines consistent and calm

• Reassure your child: “You’re safe and loved. What happened was not your fault.”

• Teach them healthy boundaries, privacy, and emotional safety

• Let teachers and caregivers know about any court orders or safety concerns

• Watch for signs of manipulation by the ex:

  • Undermining your rules

  • Pressuring the child for information

  • Blaming or badmouthing you

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👩‍⚖️ If the Abuse Continues Through Co-Parenting

• Report breaches of court orders to police or legal counsel

• Document everything—screenshots, logs, incident records

• Talk to your lawyer or duty counsel about:

  • Modifying custody orders

  • Requesting supervised visitation

  • Contempt of court filings

Abuse through co-parenting is still abuse. Courts can intervene.

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📌 Summary: Co-Parenting with an Abuser

• ✅ Limit direct contact and document everything

• ✅ Use legal tools like parallel parenting, supervised visits, or restraining orders

• ✅ Protect your emotional and physical safety at all costs

• ✅ Prioritize your child’s routine, safety, and emotional well-being

• ✅ Get legal and emotional support—you don’t have to do this alone

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📍 Ontario Services That Can Help

• Luke’s Place – Family law support for abused women (Ontario)

• Barbra Schlifer Commemorative Clinic – Legal help + counselling

• Assaulted Women’s Helpline – 1-866-863-0511

• Legal Aid Ontario – 1-800-668-8258 (free or low-cost legal help)

• Family Court Support Worker Program – Available in many Ontario cities

• 211 Ontario – Call 2-1-1 or visit 211ontario.ca

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

1. What is "parallel parenting"?

Parallel parenting is a style of post-separation parenting for high-conflict situations. Unlike co-parenting, which requires cooperation, parallel parenting involves disengaging from the other parent as much as possible. Each parent manages their own "parenting silo" with limited communication and interaction, which reduces opportunities for conflict and abuse.

2. My ex sends me abusive messages through our parenting app. What should I do?

Do not engage or respond to the abuse. Save a screenshot or PDF of the conversation for your records. If the messages are threatening, report them to the police. If they violate a court order, report them to your lawyer. Only respond to the parts of the message that are directly and necessarily about the children.

3. Can a judge force me to co-parent with my abuser?

A judge cannot force you to have a cooperative relationship. If you provide evidence of a history of domestic violence, a judge can and should put orders in place that protect you, such as ordering all communication through a monitored app and requiring supervised exchanges.

4. What is the "BIFF" communication method?

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly (or Factual), and Firm. It's a technique for communicating with high-conflict individuals. Keep your messages short, provide only necessary information, maintain a neutral and factual tone, and state your position clearly without leaving room for negotiation.

5. Is it a good idea to use my child to pass messages to my ex?

No, absolutely not. Using a child as a messenger puts them in the middle of the conflict, which can be emotionally damaging and is frowned upon by the courts. All communication should be directly between the parents through the court-approved method.

6. My ex is always late for pick-ups to try and start a fight. What can I do?

First, document every single time this happens in your log. Second, if your court order doesn't already have one, you can ask to add a clause that states "if a parent is more than 30 minutes late for a scheduled exchange without providing notice, that parent's time is forfeited." This creates a clear consequence for their behaviour.